And All I Feel Is This Cruel Wanting
by conventgirlvampire
Summary: One incident is all it takes to change a life and leave a cruel wanting where a heart once was. TW: Mentions of physical abuse. Also contains poorly-written smut.
1. Lost in Paradise

**Title:** And All I Feel Is This Cruel Wanting

**Chapter:** 1

**Characters/Pairings:** Faberry, Brittana, slight Finchel, New Directions

**Word Count:** 1,806

**Spoilers:** Up to 3x14 "On My Way"

**Summary:** One incident is all it takes to change a life and leave a cruel wanting where a heart once was.

**A/N: **Um, I don't know where this came from and it's open-ended. There may be a second part depending on how it goes on FF.

**Disclaimer:** Don't own it. Never did.

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><p><strong><span>Chapter One<span>**

** Lost in Paradise**

She was halfway up the aisle when the first phone went off. Santana's face crumpled and she watched her fall to the floor, Brittany clinging to her as tears rolled down their faces. Next was Kurt who stood there staring at her, eyes wide and mouth agape.

Slowly, the members of the glee club started to fall apart one by one and in pairs as the news reached them until there is only her and Finn left. Even then, she did not want to believe the slow, torturous feeling making its way into her heart; not until she could postpone it no longer.

Surprisingly, it was not Kurt who came to her first but Santana. Her mascara was streaked and she looked like a beautiful mess but Rachel did not see that. All she could hear were the words that made her whole being come crashing down. All she could feel was the tightness in her heart and the unbearable need to crumble as Santana said, "Quinn...she's been in an accident."

She made eye contact with the cheerleader and saw the despair in those coffee-coloured eyes. Underneath it was an empathy for those who loved Quinn Fabray and it was that empathy that finally crushed her as she fell into her arms, the sobs choking her as she tried not to give in to the unending dread in the pit of her stomach.

"It's okay, estrellita," Santana whispered in a voice too uncharacteristically soft to be the one she normally used with Rachel. "It's okay. She's gonna be fine. She has to be."

Rachel nodded but they both knew that they did not believe that. This was not some kind of accident that left just a dent in a car and no more. The fact that they were all crying just drove home how bad it might actually be. Santana knew that too because, instead of going back to Brittany, she stayed there trying to comfort the girl she just _knew_ felt something for her best friend.

Brittany sensed this too because she joined them, saying nothing but offering her presence as comfort nonetheless. If anyone was surprised by this they did not show it, because in the wake of the potential death of one of their own what was the importance of doubting unlikely alliances?

The only one who seemed unaffected was the boy standing by the altar watching as his fiancée broke right in front of everyone. It was not as if he did not care about Quinn but he thought that if they did not get married now then they never would. It was this that led to his inevitable failure.

"Rachel," he started, calling to her from where he stood, "we have to do this now or we won't get a chance to do it again."

"No, I can't."

"Rachel we don't have much time left."

"I can't Finn, I just can't!" she shouted at him, the emotions finally coming through as the realisation that everything she had ever striven for was slipping out of her grasp because of one Quinn Fabray. "I can't just forget about her Finn! If you want to go ahead and get married even when you know that she might be dying then be my guest but I refuse to do this without her!"

Finn stepped back in surprise but he refused to give up. "Rachel, our slot's nearly gone. We can go visit her after the wedding."

"Don't you get it Finnocence?" Santana exclaimed as Rachel's sobs grew louder and more persistent. "Your girl's telling you that she can't go through with this without her best friend and you're trying to force her into it? Hijo de puta, you better listen to me. I'm going to take Rachel to the hospital where we will be waiting for news on her progress. You will not be stopping us. In fact, you will not be anywhere near there while we're there, got that?"

She did not wait for Finn's answer, choosing instead to scoop Rachel up in her arms and start towards the door with Brittany, Mike, Puck and Sam in tow. The rest of New Directions stayed behind, too scared of Santana to move but she did not care. These were the people who truly cared about her girl and she would be damned before they got held back by the others.

* * *

><p>The only thing that could be heard as a boy and a girl stood in the room looking at the one who connected them was the beeping of the heart monitor as it measured out her life. There was no other sound, no breathing, no shuffling, no movement, nothing. There was only that constant beep that reassured them even as their hope dwindled.<p>

The boy was the first to move, one hand running through his mohawk as he moved to stand in front of the girl, the thumb of his other hand wiping away the silent tears. He pulled her into his body, his own tears falling onto her pristine white wedding dress as they cried for the blonde in the bed behind them.

"You...you went through with it?"

They were shocked, to say the least, and Rachel could not move. That voice, that fucking voice that was always in the back of her head telling her that she was not good enough, was now telling her that this was not real. Her heart, however, told her to look behind her and she did.

Chocolate eyes met hazel and she felt something inside of her explode. It was not love, per se – she knows better now – but maybe it could be in the future. For now, she let it guide her to the bed where she dropped onto her knees and sobbed into the coarse hospital bedding while Quinn and Puck looked on astounded.

"I...I...couldn't," she whispered and looked up in time to see Quinn nod before closing her eyes once more.

* * *

><p>When she went back outside to talk to Santana and Brittany she saw the rest of the New Directions standing there as well as her parents. She ignored them, heading over to the duo who were curiously close to Hiram Berry.<p>

"She's...?" Santana could barely think it, let alone say it. This was her best friend, the girl she had grown to love over the years even when they had been enemies. She did not want her to die. "Is she...?"

Rachel nodded, seeing the obvious in Santana's eyes. The unexpected once again occurred and soon she found her arms full of sobbing Cheerios as both Santana and Brittany cried in relief at the knowledge that, for now, Quinn was not gone. The doctors had already told them that she was still in the danger zone but this reassurance was all that they needed for the moment.

"Thank you."

She said it in a whisper but Santana and Brittany understood immediately. They were her support right now, her family, and she needed them by her side. They were the only ones who truly knew Quinn in a way that even she did not know her so it was only logical that she would want them and no one else.

That was not quite true, though. She would accept Puck, Mike and Sam but these two were the only ones who would be able to comfort her in the coming times. A friendship would be formed that only they could understand and it would last until they were old women bickering over who got the last Christmas cookie while their children and grandchildren surrounded them. They knew this instinctively and so they did not reject her as they once might have.

Still, as she sank into the hard plastic seating, she felt empty. She wanted Quinn. No, she needed Quinn so desperately that she was willing to trade places just so she could have a chance at life again. She remembered everything she had ever known about the girl, even when she had been Lucy, a secret she had kept safe throughout the years because, even if Quinn did not remember that one meeting in the park just off of the Lima Public Library, she did.

* * *

><p>It was a cruel wanting she was left with during the next seventy-two hours. She wanted her best friend to be fine. They had only been friends for a few months but it felt like forever to her. It just finally felt...right.<p>

"Berry-Berry, don't think so hard," Santana muttered into her shoulder from where she had been holding an already sleeping Brittany. "She'll pull through this. She has to."

Rachel wanted to believe that, they both did, but, like that time just hours ago in the chapel, she was not sure that they did. It just seemed so surreal and now she was at a loss.

"Rachel, we need to talk."

She looked up at her fiancé – or was it now ex-fiancé? – and sighed. She knew that they needed to talk about what had happened but she just did not want to. She wanted to stay where she was, waiting, always waiting for news of the girl who was always in her thoughts.

"Please, Rachel."

She saw and heard a hint of the Finn she had once fantasised about but it was no longer enough. Instead, there was a harsh hole where her heart had been because Quinn had it in her grasp now. Thankfully, she was saved from answering by Santana.

"What the fuck do you want Hudson? Can't you see we're trying to deal with something serious here?"

"Yeah but we need to talk about what to do about the wedding and stuff. It's kinda hard to get things in place on such short notice again."

She did not want to lash out. She really did not want to but the annoyance in Finn's voice and the way he completely disregarded the situation got to her in a way that nothing else could. Finally, finally she snapped.

"Fuck the wedding. Fuck the engagement. Fuck everything."

"What?"

"Fuck everything." She pulled off the engagement ring and he barely managed to catch it when she threw it at him. "This is the reason we're all here. She just wanted to see me happy, so she agreed to come when she knew it was a mistake. She was on her way and she was texting me when it happened."

"Rachel," Santana tried but she was cut off.

"This is all my fault. I should have just listened to her and waited. I should have heard her out. I even went to her for advice and – oh my God."

She fell into Santana, the tears coming again as she tried to stem the flow and all she could hope was that Quinn made it.

It was all she has left.


	2. Anthem of the Angels

**Chapter:** 2

**Characters/Pairings:** Faberry, Brittana, slight Finchel, New Directions

**Word Count:** 2,014

**Spoilers:** Up to 3x14 "On My Way"

**Summary:** One incident is all it takes to change a life and leave a cruel wanting where a heart once was.

**Disclaimer:** Don't own it. Never did. Title Comes from Evanescence's _Lost in Paradise_. Chapter title is Breaking Benjamin's _Anthem of the Angels._ Listen to it while reading this.

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><p><strong><span>Chapter Two<br>**

**Anthem of the Angels**

Two days later, there were no more tears in Rachel's eyes. There was no happiness either as she leant against Santana on the bleachers. The Head Cheerio had become the source of her comfort in a way that no one else could, one arm wrapped around her as the other texted Brittany to join them.

Something in her told her that she was just a replacement in their trio, but she knew better. No one could replace Quinn. She had been the only one who could have kept up with Santana's verbal warfare and the only one who had known Brittany well enough to be able to laugh discretely when the girl's jokes had been obvious to no one but her and Santana.

_Why am I thinking of Quinn in the past tense?_

She really did not want to do it. If she let herself think of her like that, then she was just setting herself up for a fall she did not think she would be able to handle. After all, how many times in the past had she been optimistic about the future? Now that optimism seemed pointless.

"Britts says she'll be here in ten. She's still talking to Coach about what we'll do when Q comes back."

Rachel did not acknowledge her words, too lost in the fact that Santana said when rather than if. Santana spoke in absolutes about her best friend's recovery, something that she could not bring herself to do. Sometimes, she wondered if she was the only one who doubted that Quinn would ever be back in any capacity beyond that of a broken girl, or if she was the only one who thought that this was her fault.

She could see that the two cheerleaders did not blame her but she thought that they were the only ones. Even she blamed herself for what had happened because it was her stupidity, her need to prove that someone out there could and would love her, her blindness to what Quinn had been trying to prevent, that cost the girl who had swiftly become her closest friend to be so shattered.

Quinn was not damaged. That was what she told herself every day. She could not be the damaged one because, even after such a horrible mess that the last three years had been, she was still so beautiful to her.

No. Rachel was the damaged one. She was the poison that ruined everything that she touched when it came to Quinn. She would be _happy¸_ well and truly happy right now, if it had not been for her, and she knew it.

* * *

><p>"Why won't you talk to me anymore?"<p>

She did not turn to look at him, choosing instead to focus on the piece she was trying to learn for her recital later. She did not want to do it but Santana had somehow managed to convince her that she could go on living while they waited for Quinn. It was not something she liked to think about often, but sometimes she wondered if the other girl knew something that she did not.

"C'mon Rach –"

"Do not call me that!" The anger she had felt when she had snapped at Finn in the hospital was back and she could not seem to control it well. "Do not call me that if you intend to talk about that stupid wedding again."

"But –"

"No!" she interrupted him again. She forced herself to calm down before she got to the point of no return. "No. I refuse to even consider talking about this anymore, Finn. I'm tired and I'm scared all the time and there's only one thing I'm sure about right now."

"Us?" he asked hopefully and, for a moment, she thought she could see the boy she had thought she had been in love with once. Then she noticed the anger in his eyes, the same anger he had held onto for so long that he had unknowingly given her the only out she could take.

"No." Her eyes drifted beyond Finn Hudson and she thought she could see a hint of red beyond the doorframe. "Not us, or rather, not us exactly. All I'm sure about right now is that, until Quinn wakes up, there is no us and, after Quinn wakes up, there will be no us. She doesn't need the reminder of what got her there in the first place and I don't need you in my life Finn Hudson, not anymore."

"So what? You're breaking up with me over Quinn? The same Quinn who used to call you names and have you slushied?"

"You weren't exactly innocent either Finn."

"Like hell I wasn't," he sneered. "I'm the one you chased, Rachel. I'm the one you were going to marry and support. We would be happy together Rach. I'm getting ready to take over Burt's shop and I'm sure we could find a nice house somewhere. You don't –"

"You want to remain here in Lima?" Her voice was low and she tried to suppress the hurt she felt but she could not keep all of it away. "What...what about my dreams Finn?"

The boy in question seemed to realise what he had just said and his eyes widened in horror as he stepped back and slumped against the wall. As he ran a hand over tired eyes he seemed to crumble into himself.

"You would succeed, I know you would, but I...I can't Rachel. I can't go to New York and live that kind of life."

"So what are you saying Finn?"

"He's saying that he finally realised that Quinn's been right all this time."

Rachel glanced at the door only to find Santana leaning against the doorframe as if she had always been there. She most likely had been, lurking just out of sight in case anything were to happen; like she had been ever since the accident, a silent protector she clung to desperately as everything seemed to fall apart beneath her.

"You're too good for him, Rachel, and he knows this now. Hell, he knew it for a while because Q told him that."

"Quinn told him...?"

Santana nodded, moving to face Rachel fully now as she spoke.

"Q...when she heard that he proposed, she had a feeling you'd do the opposite of what she told you so she went to Finn and begged him to call it off, to just drop it before something major happened and you got hurt."

"She didn't –"

"Can it Frankenteen," Santana snapped without looking at him. Rachel could feel the annoyance rolling off the other girl in waves and could not help but feel the same way herself. Quinn had gone to _him_ and yet still, he did the one thing she asked him not to do. "Can't you see what Rachel's going through? She's not hurt. She's freaking suffering and yet you're here begging her to push up a wedding that's done nothing but remind her of what's happened."

"I didn't –"

"Think? Of course not but who can blame you now?" She sighed, leaning her head against Rachel's shoulder. "You never think, Finn, and that's the problem."

"What the hell are you talking about Santana?" the boy shot back, his anger radiating off of him so clearly now. "Of course I'm thinking! If this could happen to Quinn, what's to say that it won't happen to any of us? I don't want to live my life not knowing what would happen if I don't try for what I want."

"And what about what Ra–"

"Stop it Santana," she interrupted in a quiet voice as she headed towards the door. "I don't want to do this right now. I'm sorry Finn but I just...I can't marry you. I can't. Not when...not when Quinn is...my best friend is...I'm so sorry."

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><p>She got home as quickly as she could, choosing to head straight to her room instead of greeting her fathers. The tears streaked down her face as she crawled under the covers and brought her knees up to her chest. It hurt so much and she could not find a way to stop the pain from twisting inside of her.<p>

She stared blankly at her phone, the torture of scrolling through her pictures consuming her as shot after shot of her and Quinn flicked past her eyes. She could pinpoint at first glance exactly when, where and why each picture was taken and how she felt with the blonde's arms around her with each one.

She missed it so much, the days of that summer seemingly so long ago when they were broken but slowly trying to heal each other. She remembered just how happy Quinn had been back then, holding onto her wherever they went, as if she was about to float away and Rachel was her only anchor.

She stopped at a recent picture of her, Quinn and Beth. It had been taken sometime over Christmas when they had gone over to Shelby's to deliver gifts. She remembered the way Quinn would smile, her eyes lighting up in a way she had not seen them for so long that she could not remember if she had ever smiled like that. It was a perfect moment for someone who had been through so much, who had struggled for two years when she should not have, and Rachel had wanted to preserve it forever. _She_ had felt so much happier with Quinn in that moment than she had ever had with Finn.

Sudden anger flared up within her and she could not take it anymore. Flinging the phone away from her, she got up and pushed all her books, papers, stationary, laptop, everything off of her desk and still, it was not enough. She needed to destroy the fake order of her room, force it into the picture of her heart as she remembered just how empty Quinn had been during the beginning of the year and how much she had improved since then, only to have _her_ ruin it.

She did not care if any of her possessions broke. On the contrary, she was happy that they did. Who was she to have anything when she had taken away everything from a girl who deserved nothing but the best after everything that had happened to her? Who was she to actually be happy when everything she had wanted for her was on the verge of being lost forever?

_"You don't belong here Rachel and you can't hate me for helping to send you on your way!"_

God, how she had replayed that conversation over and over in her mind so many times, even before the accident. How many times had she just treated Quinn like shit even when she had promised to never let it get to that point where the blonde wanted to give up? How many times had Quinn tried so hard to help her and make up for all the torment Rachel had been through only for her to spit on that help and do the opposite?

Collapsing to the ground amidst a pile of scattered papers and broken glass, she brought her knees up to her chest and buried tearless eyes in them.

"God, why can't I even fucking cry?"

"We can't cry anymore," Santana's voice said from behind her as the other girl walked into her room, wrapped her arms around her and pulled her into her lap. Rachel had not even heard her come in but she was all too glad for her. She was her saviour, her light in the dark. "We can't cry for her anymore, not when we've cried for her so much before in the silence of the dark night Rach, not when the monsters still come for us in the night, holding the ones we love hostage in exchange for our lives."

"Britt..."

She felt Santana head move against her neck as she nodded.

"We were ten and so, so foolish."

"San, I can't..."

"I know, Rach. I know."


	3. Buddha for Mary

**Title:** And All I Feel Is This Cruel Wanting

**Chapter:** 3

**Characters/Pairings:** Faberry, Brittana, slight Finchel, New Directions

**Word Count:** 1,818

**Spoilers:** Up to 3x14 "On My Way"

**Summary:** One incident is all it takes to change a life and leave a cruel wanting where a heart once was.

**A/N: **Um...right. So far so good on the writing front. God, this wasn't easy to write and I tried something here.

**Disclaimer:** Don't own it. Never did. Title Comes from Evanescence's _Lost in Paradise_. Chapter title is 30 Seconds to Mars' _Buddha for Mary._ Listen to it while reading this.

* * *

><p><strong><span>Chapter Three<span>**

**Buddha for Mary**

She had always had a deep-rooted belief in her faith, even if she was never very religious. It was engrained into who she was, that belief in a god who would provide for His people and their descendants, that basic belief in the sanctity of life and the living. It was just who she was and she had never before felt the need to question it.

Stepping through the door of the temple, she wondered if she still believed in that being. Why would He, in his infinite power and being, allow this to happen to Quinn? Why would He allow her to suffer so much when she had tried so hard to please Him throughout her life?

She did not allow herself to fall to her knees as she wanted to, the basic practices of her faith still binding her to it but she did not sit either. Instead, she moved towards the back wall where she leant and bowed her head in thought.

Rachel wanted to rail against God, to call into question the decisions that had led to the accident, but she could not. She knew, instinctively _knew_, that Quinn would chastise her if she knew. Faith was all too important to the other girl and Rachel refused to dishonour her in any way.

That did not stop the doubt, though. No, she still wanted to call her faith and belief into question. Oh, how she wanted to just give up, give in and say that there was no God, that there was no higher deity watching over and protecting them from true evil. She wanted to, but she could not.

"Berry-blue," a familiar masculine voice called out just to her right and she turned into Noah's embrace, silent sobs wracking her body even as she still could not shed tears. "What are you doing here?"

"I..." she trailed off and had to start again. "I don't...don't know...I don't know...what to...believe in anymore."

"You don't..."

She shook her head. "I can't find the answers, Noah. I can't."

"Shh. It's okay. It's okay, Rachel."

He led her to the seats and helped her to sit before taking her hand and sitting next to her. His thumb caressed hers in small circles and he held her close to him as he let her get the sobs out before he spoke.

"When...when I found out that Q was pregnant, I wanted to run."

She pulled back and looked at him, their gazes locking briefly as she noticed the pain in his eyes. This boy – this man who was once her best friend, who was the closest she would ever get to a brother – he looked so vulnerable at the moment and she could not help but imagine that this is what he had looked like when he had figured it out so long ago.

"Noah..."

"No, Rach," he said, placing a finger on her lips. "Let me finish. I wanted to run away from it all so much, to just get into my truck and drive until I gave up. I questioned everything – God, Quinn, myself, everything. How could I have been so stupid to not use a fucking condom or just not have sex with her in the first place? She wasn't my girl and I should have known better, should have cared, but I didn't.

"My faith was gone for a while after that. I still kept up the whole Jewish thing but I didn't believe any of it for a minute."

"What brought it back?"

"Beth. The moment she was born and I looked at her, I knew without a doubt that I needed to pull my head out of my ass and become a man she would be proud to have as her father."

"I wish it was that easy Noah, but it's not."

"I know Rach, but we all have to try at some point or another. Just...remember that I'm here, okay?"

"Yeah, yeah you are."

* * *

><p>The last time Santana had stepped into a church had been during the summer before high school. At that time, she was afraid of being condemned and abandoned for something that she had no control over. She had felt so lost and alone that even turning to God had not done anything to help her.<p>

Nothing had changed since then.

"Bless me father for I have sinned," she whispered as she seated herself in the confessional. "It has been nearly four years and these are my sins."

"Go on, Santana," the priest said, his tone showing no emotion even though he had clearly recognised her and must have known about her situation by now. Father Gregory had always been close to her grandmother. "This is not a place of judgement right now, just a safe haven."

She raised her eyebrows but chose not to comment on his words. She knew better anyway. It had always been and always would be a place of judgement. She knew this well enough to never have fallen for those false words. _Quinn_ knew this and that was one of the most fundamental ways in which they had always been similar. The hammer of judgment pounding them into shape would always be there, hovering in the background.

"My best friend...no...my sister is in a coma right now." She swallowed thickly, forcing the words out. "She was trying to get to a wedding on time because she just wanted her closest friend to be happy and she was going to support her even if she didn't agree with the decision she was making."

Snatches of conversations from the past replayed in her mind as she remembered Quinn's reasons for doing what she did. She always had been the martyr in that fucked-up relationship and now both of her girls were suffering.

"I'm trying my hardest to support that friend but sometimes I just want to give up, to curse God and not believe anymore."

"Santana..."

"I know what you must think of me Father. After all, I'm a lesbian, a whore and a bitch who should be asking for forgiveness for all of this but I just...I don't want to feel so helpless anymore. Is it so wrong that I want to end it, that I just want to go to sleep and not have to wake up to this nightmare anymore?"

"I meant what I said before, Santana. I'm not here to judge you. I know that you don't believe that and I don't blame you. Most of this congregation is much older than that of the church your parents attend, so they are very much set in their ways but I refuse to condemn you for how you feel about other women. As for your shaken faith, do you really believe that God has failed you?"

"I don't know and that makes it worse, Father. How do you go about something like belief when your whole world is shattering in front of your eyes?"

He did not answer her nor had she expected him to. Santana waited a beat more and then started to end the confession.

"For these and all the sins of my past life, I am truly sorry."

"Don't give up, my daughter," was his reply, easily falling into the role of the priest once more. "Go and pray and let the grace of God embrace you and help you in your time of need. Let us pray."

"O my God, I am heartily sorry for having offended Thee, and I detest all my sins, because of Thy just punishments, but most of all because they offend Thee, my God, Who art all good and deserving of all my love. I firmly resolve with the help of Thy grace, to sin no more and to avoid the near occasions of sin. Amen."

"God the Father of mercies, through the death and resurrection of His Son, has reconciled the world to Himself and sent the Holy Spirit among us for the forgiveness of sins; through the ministry of the Church may God give you pardon and peace, and I absolve you from your sins in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit."

"Thank you Father."

She got up and walked out of the confessional but not out of the church. Instead, she headed over to one of the pews near the front and bowed her head as she sat, her mind racing with thoughts of what ifs and might have beens as she questioned the very existence of a creator with supreme power.

The image of Rachel sitting amidst the chaos of destruction in her room as she tried so hard to cry for the girl they were so close to losing assaulted her and again she felt the same guilt and shame that had engulfed her that day. How could she not when she knew that she could not help her the way Quinn would have been able to?

They were so lost without the blonde girl, so deeply lost and there was no guiding light out for them. That had been taken away and there was no way of knowing whether it would ever be returned to them in one piece.

"Don't break her, please, just don't break her." Her voice was barely above a whisper, as if she was afraid of some kind of punishment for speaking too loudly against God. "You've been nothing but cruel to her, taking everything in her life and shattering it to pieces. Please just give her this one thing."

She remembered the way Rachel's eyes had emptied of life the first time she had seen Quinn on that hospital bed. She remembered the way her despair manifested itself in one silent cry before she had run out to her father's car where Santana had found her curled around a curious looking stuffed lamb that the girl later explained had been a Christmas present from Quinn.

"Fuck you God for doing this to Rachel. She doesn't deserve all the crap we've put her through during high school and she definitely doesn't deserve what You're doing to her now. She's too good, too pure to go through this. Hell, the girl can barely go a few days without apologising whenever she hurts someone or gets them angry. Please, I'm begging you to just stop it."

She received no answer, not that she had expected one anyway. In her mind, she was not even sure she still believed in God and that, in itself, was all it took for her to make up her mind. She knew where she needed to go and what she needed to do. She just hoped that she would be able to stop this feeling of drowning that engulfed her as she glanced at the crucifix once more before exiting, leaving more behind her than she would ever care to admit.


	4. I Hate Everything About You

**Title:** And All I Feel Is This Cruel Wanting

**Chapter:** 4

**Characters/Pairings:** Faberry, Brittana, slight Finchel, New Directions

**Word Count:** 1,838

**Spoilers:** Up to 3x14 "On My Way"

**Summary:** One incident is all it takes to change a life and leave a cruel wanting where a heart once was.

**A/N: **I don't know if these are getting shorter or what but, hopefully, they'll never fall below 1800. Anyway, don't hate me please. At least, not yet. Also, upping the rating so be warned.

**Disclaimer:** Don't own it. Never did. Title Comes from Evanescence's _Lost in Paradise_. Chapter title is Three Days Grace's _(I Hate) Everything About You._ Listen to it while reading this.

* * *

><p><strong><span>Chapter Four<span>**

**(I Hate) Everything About You**

Judy Fabray was a woman who always seemed to scare Rachel, more so than Russell Fabray whom she had met exactly once. Where you could read Russell's emotions if you paid just enough attention to the signs, Judy was completely closed off. According to Quinn this was not anything new but Rachel wondered sometimes exactly how long the older woman could keep up such a front.

Walking into the hospital room with Santana, Rachel felt that all too familiar chill creep up on her as Judy turned to them. She met the woman's hazel-eyed gaze head on, only faltering when Santana's hand at the small of her back allowed her to.

"What are you two doing here?" she asked calmly, injecting just the right amount of false curiosity into her tone to cause Santana to tense behind her. "Aren't you supposed to be in school?"

Rachel shook her head, understanding inherently that it was best to remain silent while Santana talked for both of them. She was not in any way prepared to deal with a woman who specialised in emotional offensive tactics.

"We were…" Santana paused, seemingly searching for the right words. "I was at church and Rachel was at temple this morning with Puckerman. Our parents thought it prudent that we seek moral guidance."

She would have applauded Santana's acting skills had her eyes not been glued to the sharper gaze that was glued to her from the hospital bed. Breaking away from Santana, she made her way past Judy and fell to the floor, her hands coming to rest on Quinn's cheek and her heart.

"You fool," the other girl whispered, "you ignorant, selfish, arrogant fool. Do you know how long I've waited for you to come back to me and you still chose him."

"Not anymore," she replied, her forehead coming to rest against Quinn's palm. "I won't choose him anymore. Just, please, don't hate me for this."

Quinn never answered.

* * *

><p>"She wants you, you know."<p>

"I know."

"Do you?"

"Yes. I know that she wants me, Santana. I've always known."

"So why aren't you doing anything Q? Why are you letting this go so easily? Rachel is giving up Finn for _you_."

Quinn looked away from Santana for a moment, her mind a maelstrom of thoughts that she could not figure out, much less voice. She wanted to just take Rachel into her arms and never let go, God she wanted to, but there was something holding her back, always holding her back and she was never so hesitant to voice it as she was now.

She wondered what Santana would think if she told her. She had seen how close they had been when she and Rachel had first walked in while she was with her mother, had seen the way Rachel relaxed under Santana's touch. Immediately she had dismissed it as nothing, still surprised that they were even so calm in each other's presence but then she had seen it. The glint of emotion in Santana's eyes had said all that needed to be said and she _knew_.

"Have you fucked her yet, S?"

She had not meant for the question to come out the way it did but she dared not take it back. It was already out in the open and she wanted an answer. She wanted to hear Santana say it even if it meant that she would get hurt once more.

"Q…"

"No! Tell me the truth Santana. Did. You. Fuck. Her?"

"I don't…" Santana shook her head. "Fuck you Quinn. Do you really think that I would cheat on Brittany like that? That I would hurt her? Hurt you like that?"

"I wouldn't know Santana. You've done it before so what's stopping you now?"

"I…"

Quinn sat up and pulled Santana to her, crashing their lips together forcefully. At first Santana struggled but when Quinn swiped her tongue across the other's girl's lips she moaned into the kiss, letting her in.

It was not a fight for dominance between the two, it never had been. Quinn had the upper-hand she always craved, controlling the movements of their lips as her tongue claimed Santana's mouth before moving down to her neck, fingers curling into brunette hair as she attacked her skin, sucking and licking and biting.

"Q…"

"Don't talk," Quinn said, her other hand slipping into Santana's underwear easily. "Don't you dare say a fucking word, useless slut."

Santana whimpered but she did not say anything, clearly wanting Quinn to finish her off. Quinn knew that she was hurting her, that her words were like poison, always pushing Santana further into that corner of her mind where she would shut down and hide from the world but she did not care. She needed to feel this control in a way that would not hurt anyone but those involved then she would do it, even if she had to make Santana her scape-goat.

Brushing against her clit as she continuously thrust into Santana with three fingers, she tugged the girl's hair forcing her to look her in the eye as she unravelled. She needed the eye contact, the willingness to please her in Santana's eyes that always told her that it was consensual to not feel guilty for just a moment.

"I hate you," she whispered, pulling out and turning away as she began to cry. "I hate both of you."

* * *

><p>"Tana? How'd you get in?"<p>

She almost chuckled at the smaller girl's sleepy adorableness as she turned to her. Rachel was still in bed, not bothering to get up as Santana walked to her, allowing the girl to crawl under the covers and pull her back to her front, nuzzling her hair.

"I climbed through the window."

"Did you?"

"Nope," Santana mumbled, letting sleep take her, "I knocked and your dads let me in. Now shush. Sleepy."

When she woke next, she found herself curled into Rachel, the girl's hand clutching to her waist tightly as she cried quietly into her hair. Reaching up, she wiped away her tears and shifted until she was holding on to her instead.

"What's wrong baby girl?"

"I just…I hate what she does to me. Her eyes…I don't know how but they're empty when they look at me and yet they hold so much emotion at the same time. I don't…I don't know how long I can take this again, Tana."

"She loves you Rachel."

"Like you love Brittany even though she's fucking you?"

She pulled back, surprised at the venom in Rachel's words. She had not heard that in her voice for a long time so it surprised her. However, it was not as surprising as what she said next.

"Quinn is a piece of shit."

There was no humour in her voice, no sadness, no anger. Rachel's voice was completely emotionless and it scared Santana. Even Quinn could not be as cold and cutting as Rachel was with that one statement. It was as if something had snapped in her that she did not know how to fix.

Something in the way Rachel looked at her caught her attention and caused her to pull the girl close again, not letting her go even though Rachel kicked and screamed and flailed against her body. She refused to let go.

"You're not a slut and you're not useless," she muttered into Santana's chest when she had finally calmed down. "You're not."

"I know, baby girl."

She did not, not really, but Rachel did not need to know that. She was already tormenting herself too much and she did not need Santana's crap added to that.

"Why? Why would she do that? Why does she…?"

"Hate herself so much? I don't know."

Santana did know. She knew because, deep down, it was the same reason her own self-hatred would never disappear. They were too similar for Santana to not know, too much the same to hide from each other. The only difference was that, sometimes, Quinn was willing to use that to destroy even the people she cared about.

It was a habit borne of dangerous necessity. Santana had witnessed it once when she was sleeping over at Quinn's, back when she had just gone from Lucy to Q, the HBIC not yet fully formed. That was a day she would never see repeated but only because she knew that Quinn would never let her see it again.

She tried so hard to protect Brittany from the knowledge that ate away at her heart and she knew that Quinn would help her. It did not make it any easier to bear but just knowing that Brittany would never have to know about the harsh reality of who her best friend was made it something she was determined to hold close and hide from the world.

Looking at Rachel now, she wanted to do the same for her but she knew that the other girl would never let her. More than just wanting to know, she needed to know, at least in part, about Quinn. She had to know what she was going to get herself into before it was too late.

"Quinn's fucked up, Rachel. She's so fucking messed up that I don't think even she realises just how bad it is. Thing is, we're both too damn similar for our own good so I understand what she's going through."

"Is that why…?"

"No." Santana laughed mirthlessly. "I'm not that understanding. It's just that…she needs it. She needs that control and she's my girl so I'm not going to fail her like I did before."

"You didn't fail her, Tana."

"Of course I did. I abandoned her when she was pregnant, I let myself get so caught up in my own drama that I missed her depression and then I left her again last summer. That's not something a friend does."

Rachel remained silent for quite some time and, for a while, Santana wondered if she should leave. Quiet Rachel was never a good thing. Santana had learnt that this only usually happened when Rachel was thinking something that could result in anger and tears but this? This unnerved her.

Pulling back, she got up and headed over to the window where she could watch the rising sun. She did not do this often though she rarely slept well without someone beside her but, when she did, it was because she herself was at a loss as to what to do. Right then, that was exactly the way she felt.

"Does she know that she's hurting everyone?"

"Yes."

"Why does she do it then?"

"Do you really want to know the answer?"

"Yes."

Santana nodded but she did not speak. She did not know where to start and what would make the most sense. Quinn's life was just so tangled in a web of deceit and contempt that she could barely make sense of it most times, much less to explain it to someone else. She never thought she would have to.


	5. Numb

**Title:** And All I Feel Is This Cruel Wanting

**Chapter:** 5

**Characters/Pairings:** Faberry, Brittana, slight Finchel, New Directions

**Word Count:** 2,001

**Spoilers:** Up to 3x14 "On My Way"

**Summary:** One incident is all it takes to change a life and leave a cruel wanting where a heart once was.

**A/N: **I apologise for the last chapter. Apparently I forgot a break in between Rachel's POV and Santana's POV and that was where some of the confusion was, I think? Anyway, I fixed it so yeah. If it's not that, hopefully this can?

**Warning: **Mentions of physical abuse.

**Disclaimer:** Don't own it. Never did. Title Comes from Evanescence's _Lost in Paradise_. Chapter title is Linkin Park's _Numb. _Listen to it while reading this.

* * *

><p><strong><span>Chapter Five<span>**

**Numb**

"Rachel, how do you know?" She was going to tell her but she needed to know how much the other girl knew already. "How do you know about what happened between me and Quinn at the hospital?"

Santana did not turn around but she knew that Rachel was ducking her head now. It was a nervous habit she had picked up on lately, as if Rachel was trying to hide from the world or the person she was talking to by hiding her eyes. It never worked well but Santana never called her out on it either.

"I heard you."

* * *

><p><em>Getting out of school and glee club had been difficult but Rachel was determined to see Quinn now that she was awake. Even if it hurt to see her, to see the hate mixed in with the love in her eyes, she was going to at least see her once. She owed her that much.<em>

_Walking down the corridor, she was too distracted by the inner monologue in her mind as she tried to convince herself that she was not going to hurt her again to notice that the door was closed. It was only when she tried the handle and found it locked that she began to get suspicious but she had had no intention of spying on whoever was inside with the blonde._

_That is, until she heard Santana's voice telling Quinn that she was giving Finn up for her. After that, it was as if she was rooted to the spot as she forced herself to listen to Quinn's harsh tone and the way she so easily controlled Santana as they fucked._

_She wanted so desperately to move, to run and never look back but she felt as if she deserved this. She had ignored Quinn's advice, had done this to her and now she was getting the punishment she deserved. It was her fault – no matter what Santana said – and she would take it, if only because she was always so willing to take what Quinn gave her._

_Before, she would question her motives and why she was the target but, at that moment, she refused to do that. She would just let it happen because who was she to speak up against Quinn now?_

* * *

><p>"I see."<p>

Rachel was at a loss for words at Santana's curt response but she did not press for answers. The girl would talk when she wanted to and not a moment sooner. She would just have to learn to respect that, even if she did want to know more about what was going on with Quinn.

Lying back onto her bed, she closed her eyes and traced Quinn's features in her imagination. There was always something so sad and fragile about her, as if any little thing could break her if she was hit just right. It always made Rachel want to protect her even when she did not know how.

Sometimes she would pass by the Fabray house on her way home, stopping only long enough to wonder if she should go in or leave. She would always choose the latter option, her discomfort around Mrs. Fabray always winning out in the end. Of course, later that evening in bed, she would always wonder if she should have gone in, if she should go in the next day.

The cycle never stopped.

* * *

><p>Her mother fussed about the room, making sure that everything was in perfect order before sitting on the chair next to the bed, never lacking in poise or false grace. From the way she moved it would seem as if she genuinely cared but Quinn knew better, she always did.<p>

Judy Fabray never cared about her daughter. She only cared about the image that she could mould Quinn into, the perfect daughter for the perfect woman. Quinn wanted to believe that that was how her mother had been raised, the heritage of old money to her father's nouveau riche, but her limited interactions with her maternal grandparents proved otherwise.

Still, it had to come from somewhere, right? She knew this all too well, the German and French heritage in her blood – although she had not inherited everything her mother had due to her father's DNA – coming out to play in her mother's attitude and the way she tried to shape Quinn into what she wanted.

Her mother had always talked about boarding school when she was still Lucy, the perfect solution to her daughter's mental and emotional imperfections once they got rid of the physical, but she had always counted on Daddy to prevent that from happening. The price was high, too high for her to pay sometimes, and she wondered if this was the right decision.

She was too much of a Fabray, too much a part of that family to feel most of the time. She knew how she felt about certain people, of course. Santana was her sister, even if her actions and words hurt her constantly, and she was always plagued by the guilt of what she had done to her, what was always doing to her. It was enough that Santana had to bear the burden of her secrets. She did not need what Quinn was doing with her as well but she could not stop herself.

Then there was Rachel. From the moment they had met she had known that she felt more for her than anyone else. The hate and the love coalesced into something that all too often made her want to cry out in pain, to split her own heart into pieces so that she would not feel anymore. She hated her for all that she represented and all that she made Quinn feel and yet she wanted her, needed her, loved her.

"I saw Rachel on my way in today," her mother began conversationally, interrupting Quinn's thoughts. She cringed at the almost pleasant tone that the woman used but remained quiet. "What was she doing here?"

"I don't know Mother." She idly wondered if all girls were this formal, this detached with their mothers. She and Santana certainly were. "I wasn't aware that she was here."

"I see. And Santana?"

She did not answer, already seeing the growing disappointment in her mother's eyes. The woman never showed her anger, her blinding rage at Quinn's failures, the way her father did. That was how they were different and she had had that lesson engraved in her skin for years. You _never_ showed your baser emotions.

"Do you not remember our discussion, dear?"

She remembered. How could she not remember? Still, she did not answer, preferring to let her mother speak as she settled into the numbness that came with the morphine.

"Perhaps you need to be reminded of this when you get home? If you do insist on these dalliances Quinn, the hospital is not the place to carry them out. While I have no opinion on you choosing to bed other women I must insist that you do so in private."

"Of course Mother."

"Good. Now that that's sorted out, we can start planning the details of your return home. Have the doctors told you anything about your condition?"

She tuned her mother out, trying not to think of how similar they really were as she pushed all her emotions away once more. It would not do to focus on them when she could feel the anger boiling beneath the surface.

* * *

><p>"Quinn has a…difficult…life at home," Santana finally began. "You would think it was because of her father but then, you'd be wrong. The true ruler of that household is Judy Fabray. Russell never even had a chance and he never knew it.<p>

"Ever since she was a kid Quinn was raised with only one thing in mind: her family image. I'd say that it was engraved into her being but that, in itself, is a really bad, tasteless pun."

"What –"

"She has scars all over her body from where Judy's carved everything that she's supposed to be. I know this because we've fucked so many times that I can practically trace it with my fingers."

She turned to face Rachel then, her gaze searching the smaller girl's. There was something there, she could tell, but she did not know what. She just hoped that Rachel was stronger than she was before for Quinn's sake. She did not need another person abandoning her at the moment.

"Perfection. Beauty. Pride. Dignity." She listed them off easily, not pausing as she raised a finger for each word. "Purity. Chastity. Poise. Grace. I can go on and on, there're that many on her skin. It's like some kind of weird-ass shit goes on in that house and Quinn gets the brunt of it because she wasn't born Quinn, because she was Lucy first."

She paused to take a breath, the memory of each scar hitting her full force. She remembered asking Quinn one night why she allowed it to happen to her and Quinn just shut her down saying that it was the way it was, that it was –

"Duty. She has this insane idea that this is what she has to bear to honour her family name. Whenever I've pressed for answers she's shut down but I know better than almost anyone what she's going through because I've seen it, heard it already and she's trusted me so far with it because of that."

"That's archaic."

"Is it?" Santana raised an eyebrow. "Tell me. Do you want to make your parents proud of you? Do you want people to remember you by your full name, by Rachel _Berry_, or just by Rachel? Do you want to make sure that the name Berry is never going to be something that will make your parents feel ashamed whenever they think about you?

"It's the same concept. It's just that for Quinn it's so much more because her family isn't just any family. On one side she comes from a deep-rooted sense of "old nobility and grandeur that only comes by having money that's been passed down through centuries of descent", or so she says, and on the other she comes from wealth built upon her father's ingenuity and cunning. She's had those beliefs ingrained in her since _birth_."

"Okay," Rachel said, obviously trying to calm herself down as she gestured for Santana to join her on the bed, "but what does that have to do with what you were…doing…in the hospital?"

Santana shook her head as she accepted Rachel's invitation and flopped down next to her. Sometimes she forgot that Rachel was just so naïve behind her bravado.

"It started freshman year at a sleepover at Quinn's house. It was supposed to be the three of us winding down after our first cheerleading practice but Brittany couldn't make it because she had an extra dance class so it was just us. Quinn was ranting about how much you made her feel when she was supposed to like boys and then she asked me to kiss her. I think she wanted to reassure herself that she was normal but it had the opposite effect and we ended up going down on each other.

"That was the same night I saw what Quinn's mom was doing to her but I didn't move to stop it. I was just so…I don't even know right now. All I remember about what I felt was that I wanted to move, to rescue Quinn somehow but I couldn't."

"Tana…"

"No." She stood up, needing comfort that she could only find in Brittany. "No, I'm not the one you need to go to, understand?"

"Quinn…?"

"Yes. She needs you Rach. She needs you so much that even she doesn't know how much."

"Okay."

Santana turned and kissed her forehead, whispering as she moved away, "Don't forget Rachel. She might say that she hates you but she loves you more than anything else. Don't let her push you away."


	6. Never Again

**Title:** And All I Feel Is This Cruel Wanting

**Chapter:** 6

**Characters/Pairings:** Faberry, Brittana, slight Finchel, New Directions

**Word Count:** 1,908

**Spoilers:** Up to 3x14 "On My Way"

**Summary:** One incident is all it takes to change a life and leave a cruel wanting where a heart once was.

**A/N: **I would have had this up earlier but my sister had the computer for a while so I couldn't write and then when I actually wrote this, the internet went down. I actually don't like this chapter because it signals something you guys will kill me for until I start the sequel (yes, there is a sequel). This one's only 12 chapters long and by the end you will either hate me or like me but idk. Also, hints of something more to this story begin in this chapter. Pay attention to Quinn's thoughts and Rachel's words.

**Warning: **Mentions of physical abuse.

**Disclaimer:** Don't own it. Never did. Title Comes from Evanescence's _Lost in Paradise_. Chapter title is Kelly Clarkson's _Never Again_. Also, I don't own the B.O.B. song that Quinn references here.

* * *

><p><strong><span>Chapter Six<span>**

**Never Again**

Sometimes she wondered what life would be like if she had never been Quinn. Would she have grown into her own physique naturally, the years of ballet and gymnastics having, of course, been just a precursor to the purges, the rhinoplasty and everything else her mother put her through, or would she have remained the same fat, ugly girl she was back then? Would she have been as cruel as she was now, using sex and one of her best friends just to relieve the pain a little until she could get her next fix?

Dozens of questions swirled through her mind, tormenting her until she picked up the small stuffed lamb Rachel had left earlier. Staring at it, Quinn could not help but think of how Rachel had always been the one constant throughout highschool. Rachel had always pursued her and she had always loved Rachel. Nothing had changed.

_"Why are you letting this go so easily? Rachel is giving up Finn for you."_

Santana's words rang in her ears over and over again the longer she stared at the toy. She was a coward, too much of a coward to ever consider going after Rachel when she was with Finn but to go after her now? She did not know and the memories of the last time she considered it hung in the air taunted her like something sinister waiting to consume her so completely that there was nothing left.

* * *

><p><em>The summer heat beat down on Quinn's back hard as she looked at the girl lying on the lounger next to hers. Their friendship was tentative at best but it was there, at least. She was not sure if she could say that about anyone else, but this girl…this girl had stayed and helped her even when she tried so hard to push her away. Such naïveté must have been a blessing for her.<em>

_Quinn allowed her eyes to travel the expanse of tanned skin laid out before her and feast they did on the sight. She had always wanted to see what was beneath those atrocious sweaters, the view offered by too-short skirts teasing, to say the least – sometimes she wondered if that was where she had gained the inspiration for the Celibacy Club's motto but that was neither here nor there. All that mattered was that she was finally getting to see Rachel Berry in all her gloriously exposed glory._

_She licked her lips as her eyes moved from closed eyelids that hid warm brown eyes to the top of her breasts just poking out from the top of her bikini top to the toned planes of her abs to the cloth covered pussy that she so desperately wanted to taste._

_She shifted to ease the ache between her legs as she groaned softly to herself. Those thoughts were not going to help her situation if they got out. She did not know how Rachel would react to her confession and that alone scared her, much less the girl's reaction to her desires should her affections not be wanted._

_"I need to tell you something."_

_Those words brought Quinn's head out of the clouds and back to earth. Turning to face her, Rachel opened her eyes and their gazes met. For a moment there was nothing but them out there, no one but the two of them. Quinn wanted that moment to last but it was never to be and she knew it._

_"I-I can't do this, whatever it is between us, Quinn."_

_"What? Why?"_

_"I can't do this to Finn. Whatever's going on between us is becoming more than friendship and we both know that but he doesn't and I…"_

_"You think you love him," she finished for the other girl with a sneer. "You think he's the one for you don't you? The one who'll care for you in the future when you need someone to reassure you that you're pretty and you're talented and that the rejections are just going to build character right?"_

_"I…"_

_"You think he'll stick around when the bills get too much or when you're at your lowest? Do you honestly think he'll even want to go to New York with you if he could continue here or go somewhere else?"_

_Rachel's mouth opened and closed but no sound came out. Quinn forced herself to relax even though her mind was telling her to lash out even more than she had already. She wanted to destroy Rachel in that moment for shooting her down before she could even say the words, wanted to tear into Rachel for denying them before they even had a chance._

_"You're a coward Rachel and he'll only drag you down." She breathed in deeply, forcing the next few words out in a whisper, her voice never wavering. "Get out Rachel. Leave my house and don't come back to me when he breaks your heart. I want to believe I can wish you happiness but we both know that isn't true. I do hope you're happy with your decision because when you're floundering I will be nowhere around to save you."_

* * *

><p>Groaning, she brought her unbroken arm to her forehead as if the act of blocking out the light would block out the memories as well. She did not want to remember that summer, the one time she thought to act on long-dormant feelings only to be rejected once more in favour of that oaf with no intelligence. It hurt too much to think of the one time she was ever actually happy as Quinn for more than a fleeting moment.<p>

"I wish I could take it all back."

She turned at the sound of Rachel's voice to meet her gaze head on. Those eyes she had loved from the moment she had first seen them were now empty, devoid of anything remotely human now. The girl before her was just a robot, a shell of someone she used to know long before she had become consumed by Finn Hudson.

The old anger returned in full force when Rachel shied away from her touch when she tried to reach for the girl's hand and with it the hint of something else appeared, something dark and old that she had not felt in a long time. She forced it down with some effort, her physical weakness mirrored by her inability to completely rebuild her walls, and reached out for Rachel once again.

"If only airplanes were shooting stars, right?" she asked, her eyes glued to their fingers which were now intertwined. "They're not, though, and there really isn't anything we can do to change that now the damage's done."

"I know." Rachel sat on the edge of the bed, her head turned away so that Quinn could not see her face. "I can't just leave him, though. You have to understand, Quinn, there's so much more at stake than you and I."

"Is there?"

"Yes. It…We…we're not meant to be together Quinn. Jus being around me has caused you to lose so much. You've lost your purity to become Quinn Fabray but at least you still had a father in your life and you didn't know what it's like to lose a child, a daughter. Those things happened after we –"

"It has nothing to do with you, losing my father. He was a bastard before my pregnancy and he will always be a bastard. As for Beth, she's better off where she is, you know that. This isn't about those things, though, is it?"

"Quinn…"

"You're too scared to take a chance on me. All those times you said that, given the chance, you would take it. Last year you promised that you would. Here's your chance Rachel. Why aren't you going to take it?"

"Quinn…" Tears were now streaming down her cheeks. "I can't…"

She sighed and pulled Rachel down to lay against her chest and allowed the girl to cry against her as she rubbed slow circles on her back. She was angry, unrepentantly so, but even now she could not say no to the girl.

"Don't you dare ask for forgiveness," she whispered softly, "because you know that you already have it. You will always have it as long as your heart beats. After tonight, however, don't try to come back to me. Finn may believe your lies of love and faithfulness, things that belong only to _me_, but I won't ever believe your promises again."

Only when Rachel nodded silently did she allow her own tears to fall.

* * *

><p>Judy Fabray sat in near darkness, her eyes focused on the glass in her hand. The time was coming when Quinn – no – Lucy would not be able to hold it in anymore and she was growing increasingly anxious for it to happen. She would be there for her daughter, there was no doubt of that, but she also knew that she would not want her there.<p>

This was where the problem existed. She could not simply allow Lucy to do as she pleased. Her actions needed to be curbed and monitored, every detail checked and approved before anything could be done. It was the only way to preserve the family name and she knew that.

"Oh, Russell. Your DNA seems to have given my daughter an independent streak unbecoming of a princess of her stature."

She chuckled bitterly at that thought. If only Russell Fabray knew what he had been doing when he had married her. Maybe then the bastard would have thought twice about what he was doing when he was fucking that whore while she was at home mourning the loss of her child.

She raised the glass to her lips but did not drink for a moment that felt more like an eternity. How she wished she could drink it but she knew that she would not until her daughter was out of that hospital bed. It was the least she could do for a child she had never wanted to bring into this world but could not kill.

She remembered once, when Lucy was younger, she was taking her through one of her lessons when she felt the eyes of a young Santana peeking out from behind a doorway. She had never let the girl know that she was seen and Santana had never told anyone but she knew that the young girl had not understood what was going on.

No one did, really. If they knew they would take her daughter away from her but they did not know that she loved her. Truly, the depth of her love for her younger daughter meant that she would do anything to help her survive their world of cutthroat aristocratic monsters and old family blood, even going so far as to make her hate her for what she did.

Lowering the glass, she set it down on a nearby table. She could not risk the temptation of having it right there, mocking her, telling her to drink and indulge when her daughter could not. She refused to do that.

Standing slowly, she made her way to the front door, grabbing her coat along the way. She would not go to the hospital that night, not when she knew that Lucy would have company.

No, she would go somewhere else, somewhere even her dear husband could never go, and she would get back what was hers. She always did.


	7. Haunted

**Title:** And All I Feel Is This Cruel Wanting

**Chapter:** 7

**Characters/Pairings:** Faberry, Brittana, slight Finchel, New Directions

**Word Count:** 1,479

**Spoilers:** Up to 3x14 "On My Way"

**Summary:** One incident is all it takes to change a life and leave a cruel wanting where a heart once was.

**A/N: **It's been a long time since I was here and this one is short. Also, it shows my inability to write smut. Anyway, as the story goes, life sucks, got disctracted by exams, searching for a job and _Doctor Who_. Amy Pond rocks, Rose is cool, Donna is the ultimate companion and I love Martha. Who cares? No one, good. Let's go. Oh, btw, even though I use song titles for chapter names it's to set the tone of how I want these to go. The lyrics rarely have anything to do with the chapter although you should listen to it in the order presented because though rare those cases do come up. I think that's i- no it's not. As hinted at before, there are supernatural elements to this fic but they won't be explained here. That's for the last chapter and the sequel. Next update will hopefully be tomorrow. I make no promises though. R&R and you get a cookie!

**Disclaimer:** Don't own it. Never did. Title Comes from Evanescence's _Lost in Paradise_. Chapter title comes from Kelly Clarkson's song, _Haunted._

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><p><strong><span>Chapter Seven<span>**

**Haunted**

Rachel woke up before Quinn did, wanting one last look before she left the hospital for the last time. She just wanted one last look before the time came for her to force her body to walk away, her heart remaining with Quinn even as she tore it out of her being.

Her eyes traced the landscape that was the sleeping girl's body, still amazed even after all this time – after all the secrets she had learned – at how quickly she would always heal. Hurt eyes hid behind closed lids and her red lips were parted slightly in sleep. Moving away from her face, unwilling to take in more than that lest it break her resolve, her gaze followed the curves of Quinn's body, her hands itching to follow that same path that encompassed everything from the swell of a breast to the perfected stomach covered in swiftly fading bruises down to strong but damaged hips and thighs.

Pulling her eyes away from her was one of the hardest things she had ever done but eventually Rachel had to leave. If she stayed to whisper one final goodbye then she never would move from that room and that, in itself, would only serve to make things worse.

As she left, she never noticed the gaze that fixed itself on her back, despairing at how, once more, the owner would have to continue in her struggle to live, to stay _her_, without the soul she took with her.

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><p>Brittany's kisses were like honey in much the same way Quinn's were like heroin. She could never get enough of both but at least her girlfriend's touch was not slowly killing her. At least they did not haunt her waking hours the way Quinn's did though she lingered on Santana's lips just as long as their captain did.<p>

She pushed the taller girl onto her back and straddled her thighs as they kissed. Had she been on her hips instead she could have brought them both to orgasm but Brittany held them in place. Though a hidden fire had been ignited, tonight was about being slow and almost observant, as if this was their last night together and they needed to absorb each other fully.

"S, I need you. I need you so bad babe."

'You have me," she panted as they kissed and ground against each other, hips moving in that practised synchronicity that came with years of mapping out each others' bodies. "I swear B, you have me."

Brittany flipped them over so that Santana was now on the bottom, moving so that their cores were now being ground together through their clothes. There was this expression on her face, as if she did not believe her. It was something new, that expression, and it sent chills down Santana's spine when she saw it. She knew then that the night was not going to end well.

Silently she reached up and palmed he girl's cheek, watching as her love tried and failed to resist the urge to lean into her touch. That moment of hesitation hurt but she was determined not to let it show just how much. She would be strong until she was alone and only then would she let herself crumble.

Her fingers moved after a while, leaving Brittany's cheek to trace along the line of her jaw before moving to tangle into Brittany's golden locks. Pulling gently, she forced the girl to lower herself slightly as she raised her upper body to meet her in a soft kiss both knew would soon turn into something more.

Brittany broke the kiss first, pulling away to strip off the t-shirt and boy shorts she was wearing as Santana shifted her body to do the same, their clothes having become too much of a prison cell. They needed to be free for this, free to feel, to taste, to move. Nothing less would be accepted.

Once they were completely naked Brittany began to move again, trailing whispered words and barely there kisses across Santana's jaw, down her neck and across her collarbone. When a warm mouth closed around an erect nipple she gasped, moaning and arching her back into the other girl's touch as she alternated between sucking, biting and pulling at it. When it seemed as if she would no longer be able to take it Brittany pulled back and repeated the process with the other one, again bringing her to the edge before pulling back.

"Tell me…how you…want it," she panted, still grinding down onto Santana, close to orgasming as well. "I'll do it…Anything you…anything you want, S…I'll do it."

Santana moaned at these words. "From behind…I want it from behind."

The weight of her request was not lost on either girl. Whenever they had sex they always found a way to see each other. That ability to look, the desire to do so was born out of a fear of losing each other and continued out of love. They only ever truly fucked each other from behind as a sort of punishment and Santana knew that. She also knew that if she looked at Brittany now she would break.

"Okay."

Slowly, they shifted until Santana was lying on her stomach with Brittany stretched out on top of her. When she felt the blonde's breasts against her back she could not help but let out a groan that turned into a silent sob when she intertwined the fingers of their left hands together above her head.

When Brittany's right arm wrapped around her body and her knuckles brushed against her clit, her eyes welled up. When her fingers slid through her folds once, twice, three times, gently teasing, her body started to shake. However, it was only when two fingers plunged into her pussy that she cried, her hips thrusting to keep p with the relentless pace even as she sobbed openly as the coiling feeling in the pit of stomach increased with each passage of Brittany's fingers in and out of her.

She tumbled over the edge first, her back arching again as her body rose backwards into the air, Brittany's name on her lips. Brittany followed soon after, grinding against her ass, _her_ name spewing forth in a ragged voice.

Hours later Brittany would sit up and say, "You love me but I don't have all of you," before getting dressed and leaving. Santana would just nod while staring at the ceiling, eyes dry because she was too tired to even cry for the loss of her soulmate. They would allow themselves to be torn apart so easily that it drained every drop of energy from her being at just the idea.

Maybe that was why, as Brittany rolled off of her and they shifted so that they were facing one another, Santana held on to her, never wanting to let go but knowing that she would have to.

* * *

><p>She was running out of time but even so, Rachel found herself staring up at the auditorium ceiling, her back pressed against the stage floor. It was the first day she had gone to school after Quinn's rejection, the first day she had allowed herself into her sanctuary since the accident.<p>

She raised one arm and splayed her fingers out in the air, hoping that in doing so she could find the answers, find the girl who had been willing to fight for them once, way back before everything had become so twisted and painful.

Physically, Quinn would not stay away. She never could. They both knew each other too well to even doubt the seemingly magnetic pull between them. It was only one of two addictions Quinn had, her presence. The other was never spoken of except in whispers at night when reality would crash down on them, its weight threatening to wipe their existence off of the earth they walked on.

Her eyes caught a glimpse of a scar on her arm that she had forgotten about. Tracing the lines of the scar she allowed herself to smile grimly at the memories it brought back, things she had fought so hard to suppress.

"Like that would have stopped it from backfiring anyway," she muttered aloud. "I've lost her anyway and probably a long time before any of this began too."

Slowly she allowed the memory to come back to her, letting it wash over in waves as she chewed at her skin until she was bleeding. The blood itself was not a problem for her. She had long become accustomed to it. It was the tears that were falling now, tears shed over her lack of control, shed over something she was never in a lucid enough state for anyway, that broke her.

Then again, if they had not then how could she ever be sure that there was anything good left in her?

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><p><strong>AN2:** The next one is guaranteed to be longer and better. Ciao.


	8. All Around Me

**Title:** And All I Feel Is This Cruel Wanting

**Chapter:** 8

**Characters/Pairings:** Faberry, Brittana, slight Finchel, New Directions

**Word Count:** 1,706

**Spoilers:** Up to 3x14 "On My Way"

**Summary:** One incident is all it takes to change a life and leave a cruel wanting where a heart once was.

**A/N: **Sorry, my net was down for a while. Anyway, I present this chapter which will be VERY IMPORTANT TO THE SEQUEL. Did you know I have an AO3 account now? I'm under Dark_Writer. Also, I re-upped the chapters for this because I had issues with formatting. No big changes. Read and tell me what you think of this please. Also, go vote on the poll.

**Warning: **Mentions of physical abuse.

**Disclaimer:** Don't own it. Never did. Title Comes from Evanescence's _Lost in Paradise_. Chapter title is Flyleaf's _All Around Me._

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><p><strong><span>Chapter Eight<span>**

**All Around Me**

Fire. Her veins were on fire and she felt powerless to stop it. Then there was the ice that flooded through her entire body as her muscles spiralled out of her control. Neither sensation cancelled the other, both ravaging her body as she struggled to breathe through the pain.

Her lungs felt as if they would collapse at any moment and her heart rate was increasing exponentially. Distantly she wondered if this was what cardiac arrest felt like but the thought soon sunk below the waves of pain that threatened to consume her time and again as she succumbed to it.

She wanted to scream, yell, cry out; anything to get the attention of a doctor or a nurse but was capable of little more than a weak whimper that would never be heard. Her throat was locked and she could not make a sound no matter how much she tried.

She felt it pulling her under again, the relief the darkness offered blanketing her like a sweet lullaby. IT would be so easy for her to just give in, so easy to let it take her and surrender to oblivion for as long as she needed to just to avoid the pain.

Cold eyes met hers when she risked a glance to the corner of the room furthest from her and she grit her teeth as a new determination swept over her. She was not going to show any weakness before those eyes, even if it killed her. She was stronger than that and she would prove it.

* * *

><p>Focus. That was what she needed right now. The pain was like a ghost moving through her but she needed to no think about it. She would go wild if she did and she did not think Shelby deserved that at the moment, not when the woman had opened her home to her when she had shown up on her doorstep after eleven in the night, having just left the school.<p>

She breathed in once before looking down at the cup of tea she had been given. The infusion of chamomile and mint had clamed her somewhat when she had first brought it to her lips but that did not last long. She needed a release and she needed one soon.

"I can still feel her," she said softly, still not looking up. "It's like, being with her in the last few days brought everything back after so long and now I can't escape her. I don't _want_ to escape her."

"Does Quinn know about this?"

"No," she replied sharply, finally looking at her mother with narrowed eyes, "and she won't ever know about it if I have my way. I did not just spend a year and a half suppressing everything, trying to be _normal_, just to have that progress ruined because my old feelings came back."

"Rachel," Shelby sighed, "you can't do this to your self forever. Didn't you say that it began that day you met her at the park near the library?"

Rachel nodded. She hated remembering that day but it was ingrained in her memory.

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><p><em>It was summer when she first met her, late summer and late in the day too. She was still going by Lucy then – it was not until later after Beth that she would discover that the girl she knew as Quinn was her – but the eyes were just as sad, just as lost back then.<em>

_She had been sitting on the swings and looking up at the twilit sky, waiting for the moon to come out. She preferred to be alone on these nights when she could just think and be. It was something no one else understood but she was never inclined to explain herself anyway so she supposed that it did not matter what anyone else thought anyway. Why should it when did not know the truth?_

_Rachel stretched her arms as far as they could go and was about to get up and leave when a soft sniffling sound caught her attention. Looking around for the source her eyes caught that of a girl sitting against a nearby tree, crying._

_Somehow Rachel felt connected to the girl but she did not understand why. She was a complete stranger and there was no reason for her to even want to approach her in the first place. In fact, she did not even know if the girl wanted company. Still, there was this connection that pulled Rachel in her direction._

_Sliding down to sit next to her, she said nothing. Instead, she just reached out for her hand and stared at the library across the street from the park._

_A week of similar meetings would pass before the girl would introduce herself only to disappear as quickly as she had come seven days later._

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><p>Quinn's eyes snapped open as the memory slowly faded and she re-entered the waking world. She could still feel Rachel's hand in hers, still feel the way that odd but safe comfort felt for Lucy and how she had revelled in it.<p>

Silent tears fell as she berated herself. She had been the one to chase Rachel away. She had been the one to speak those viciously final words to her. She had no right to regret it. She had made her choice, they both did and now she needed to learn to live with the consequences, no matter how much it had hurt to hurt her like that.

"Q?"

Her gaze snapped to the door where Santana stood, hesitant to enter. The tears increased at the sight of her, yet another person she had hurt and badly wanted too. Why could everything not just be simple for once?

Soft fingertips wiped away the moisture from her skin as a strong arm helped her to sit up. Latchin on to Santana's shirt she continued to cry, not caring that the weakness she had tried so hard to hide when her mother was present was on full display.

"I'm not normal, San," she choked out after a while. "There's something wrong with me and I don't know how to fix it. How do I –"

"There's nothing to fix, Q," Santana cut in. "We all have our flaws. That don't mean we need 'fixing' so shut up and just accept that you are who you are and that's not going to change."

"But what if she hates me now?"

* * *

><p>"You will never stop caring for her," Shelby whispered as she stroked Rachel's hair, having moved until she was crouched next to her daughter. "If she's truly the one that you're fated to be with then you will never stop caring for her. She is a part of you now, body and soul. Your heart, it will always yearn for her, always reach out for her and so you'll always feel her."<p>

She stared into Rachel's eyes, willing the girl to believe her. They were still not close though recently they had begun to work on their issues but she would never deny her little one again. The pain of walking out on her the last time had haunted them both but she would be damned if she abandoned her now.

Rachel nodded meekly, suddenly appearing more tired than she should. Shelby gently dislodged the cup from her fingers and placed it in the sink before guiding her to the guest bedroom.

"Shelby?"

"Yes?"

"Can you stay with me tonight? It's probably presumptuous of me to ask but I don't really want to be alone right now."

* * *

><p>Santana stared down at the girl sleeping in her arms. When she had convinced her father to let her stay with Quinn for the night she had not expected to find her like this, broken and crying in such a way that it reopened old wounds for her, wounds she had thought had been sewn shut so long ago.<p>

Quinn had not been crying because of physical pain, at least not anymore if the traces of her mother's presence were anything to by, but she could still see how badly it hurt. She had been in that place before and she knew exactly how to recognise it.

She ran her fingers through Quinn's hair, idly wondering why she kept doing this to herself. She knew all about the thing between Quinn and Rachel, of course, knew how they felt from the beginning. That was why, for years, she had gone along with her best friend's crazy plan to get the tiny girl out of Lima and headed to New York by any means possible. After all, she understood how Quinn's mind worked.

Still, she also cared abut Rachel, recognising the same kind of vulnerability In her that she herself held, the same kind of harshness that came from being different in a place where difference was never going to be accepted. The only thing that separated them was that Rachel would destroy herself in the effort to protect her heart much more than Santana ever would. She needed someone to protect her from herself and Santana found herself wanting to be that person more and more since the accident. It was a desire she had not felt since that night with Brittany.

She remembered it only because that night haunted her dreams, remember the way her heart had felt so light as she had walked home with Brittany in the last light of the sun on that midsummer day and the way it had all turned to dust so easily. She would never forget it.

He had appeared out of nowhere, thin and starving, his eyes unfocused by delusion until he had spotted them. When she met those cold, hungry eyes she had felt time slow down as dread crept into her stomach and spread through her body.

Somehow she knew that he would go after Brittany first so she moved to stand in front of her in some sort of effort to keep her safe. She had never even seen the other man behind them and it was a mistake she still felt years later.

That was the night she found out just how monstrous the world could be, a night that would never leave her.


	9. Bring Me To Life

**Title:** And All I Feel Is This Cruel Wanting

**Chapter:** 9

**Characters/Pairings:** Faberry, Brittana, slight Finchel, New Directions

**Word Count:** 2,096

**Spoilers:** Up to 3x14 "On My Way"

**Summary:** One incident is all it takes to change a life and leave a cruel wanting where a heart once was.

**A/N: **I was hesitant to post this in light of what's happened with Cory recently but in the end I decided to do it anyway. I don't like Finn Hudson generally and most of my fics will not treat him nicely, at least in the beginning. However, I've always been indifferent to Cory Monteith. That being said, I wish his soul peace in the afterlife and the happiness there that he could not find here but I'm not changing how I treat Finn in this. Remember that his POV is not one that's included so we don't really know his reasons for what he says and does. If I have time and space, I'll redeem him, I promise. In this, Finn is not the villain and most of what you see is how the other characters react to him. I'll probably do it anyway just because I don't want to leave that plotline unresolved but I don't know if I'll do it in this.

**A/N2:** This is the final stretch. After this there are three more chapters and then I'll start plotting the sequel. I already have something in mind but feel free to mention anything you want to see.

**Warning: **Mentions of physical abuse.

**Disclaimer:** Don't own it. Never did. Title Comes from Evanescence's _Lost in Paradise_. Chapter title is Evanescence's _Bring Me to Life._

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><p><strong><span>Chapter Nine<span>**

**Bring Me to Life**

She wandered listlessly through the park, looking for something, anything to distract her. It was getting harder as the days passed by for her to concentrate on anything but her guilt and she found herself tearing apart the walls she had built to avoid it in order to find some semblance of the girl she was before all of this.

She could not find that girl anymore, though. She was gone now and no one but Quinn could bring her back. It hurt but she did not know any other way to live. It was as if her life was tied to the blonde and all she wanted was to feel her again, to taste her.

She shivered and pulled her coat tighter against her body as the cold wind bit at her, pulling her back to reality. Quinn did not want her and she had to accept that. It was the only way she would be able to move on.

"Midget!"

She turned at the sound of Santana's voice, surprised to see her there at the park. The last she had heard, she was helping Quinn with getting out of the hospital. Maybe she was finished?

"It's freezing out here, Rachel."

"I don't mind."

"Yeah well, I do and I'm stuck with your tiny ass for the day since Q's being a royal bitch, so what say we hit up Breadstix and get our food on?"

"Sure, whatever."

She did not really want to go but she did want the company. Santana's was the only presence she could stand from glee club besides Puck, at the moment, so she would take what she could get without complaint. It was not like anyone was really lining up to spend time with her anyway.

Together they made their way to the restaurant, walking at a slow pace in silence. It was not that she did not want to talk; she just had nothing to talk about. She felt empty inside and she just wanted to sleep until everything changed.

Somewhere inside she hoped that it was all a dream, that the last year and a half had not happened and it was still the summer before junior year. Maybe then she could change everything, make it so that she did not lose Quinn, so that the accident had never happened. God knew how much she wanted to.

Still, she knew that it was no dream and that, more than anything else, crushed her. There was nothing she could do to change the past. She did not have that power and she knew that any effort would be futile. Quinn was too stubborn to ever change her mind once she had been hurt.

"Hey, what's wrong?"

She looked at Santana, only just realising that they had arrived and had been seated. Had she been in her own mind for that long?

"I…I…nothing."

Santana looked as if she did not believe her but she did not press the issue any further, something for which Rachel was extremely grateful. She was not sure how much more she could take before she broke and she was sure that the breaking point involved talking about the things she did not want to think about.

A waiter came over to take their order but Santana just waved him off with a glare and instructions to bring the usual and whatever was on the vegan menu for her. She was surprised that the other girl remembered but she schooled her expression so that it was not showing.

"You know, she misses you," Santana said after a few minutes had passed. "She won't say it but Q wants you to come back."

"She doesn't."

"How in hell would you know? You haven't been to see her in a week so how can you even say that?"

"Because she banned me from coming," Rachel muttered looked away from her. "She doesn't want me there and it's my own damn fault, okay? If I hadn't been so caught up with myself and my issues all of this could have been avoided."

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><p>Brittany looked around Quinn's room as she stood in the doorway, apprehensive as to how her presence would be received. She had visited Quinn before but this time was different because she was on her own now and she <em>knew<em>. She knew Quinn's secret and she was sure that the other girl would not want to see her if she knew that.

The room itself was nothing like the one she knew was waiting for her upstairs. While Quinn had made a remarkable recovery, there was still some injury to her spine and that would take some time to heal before she would be able to walk again.

Brittany flinched inwardly at the thought. She could barely imagine what it would be like to not be able to dance without tears, much less walk. For Quinn, who actually could not do those things, it must have been torture.

"Are you scared of me B? Or do you just like looking at my room that much?"

She looked up and met Quinn's eyes, the hazel flashing with amusement that took the sting out of the questions. Brittany grinned, knowing that it was okay now, and skipped over to where Quinn was lying in bed, book in hand. She never did seem to go anyway without one.

"How are you Q? I miss you."

"I miss you too Britt-Britt but I'll be back soon."

"Promise?"

"I promise."

"Okay," she said, smile falling for a moment as she took in how tired Quinn was. "You shouldn't push yourself Quinn. Your mom is making you do this too fast but that doesn't mean you should hurt yourself to make her happy."

"What…what do you mean?"

"You know what I mean, Q. Don't let her hurt you, please? Rachie and San're already pretty sad about everything but if you die then I think they wouldn't come back and I really don't want to have to go to their dark places to pull them out."

She knew Quinn would not understand immediately so she was not bothered when the other girl did not reply. Very few people ever knew how to answer her so it was nothing new. At least with her, she knew that eventually she would get what she was saying.

There was more though, more that she needed to tell her and a favour she needed to ask her for. She was not sure how it would be received but she hoped that Quinn would at least entertain her request.

"Q, I'm not going to college."

"What? Don't say that Britt."

She shook her head. "I can't go, Q. School's confusing enough as it is and no one knows about how the letters move except for you. Not even Sanny."

Quinn manoeuvred her body so that she could sit up a little, wincing from obvious pain. "What are you saying B?"

"I want to go with you, wherever you're going. I can…I can dance wherever I am but I don't think I'm ready to see the disappointment in San's eyes when she finds out that I'm not going to go to college. I'm barely graduating as it is, anyway."

"B…"

She placed a finger on Quinn's lips. "You need me Q. As much as you think you don't need anyone you need somebody to help you and Rachie can't be that person, not yet. Take me with you when you go Quinn and I swear that I won't ever leave you."

"You can't…you can't make a promise like that."

"I can and I will. Everyone's sad right now and Sanny and Rachie need each other to heal. That's why I can't be with her right now, not until she's sure. Then there's you."

"What about me?"

"If you don't have someone who loves you, you'll go back to being mean Quinn and you'll hurt yourself. I don't want that for you. Remember when we were younger and you were Lucy?"

Quinn nodded.

"I promised that I'd be there for you to help you when your mom finally decided to take that step and now I'm here."

"How did you know?"

Brittany did not speak. Instead she pointed to Quinn's arm where there were three angry red gashes glaring at the world. Slowly, she pressed down on the middle one with a single finger until Quinn was gasping with pain.

"Those aren't normal, Q."

"I know. Have you…?"

"God, no," Brittany said, smiling sadly. "My mom's not like yours."

"Oh."

"Yeah."

"B?"

"Hmm?"

"You can come with me if you want."

* * *

><p>Santana leaned back in her seat and looked at Rachel, really looked at her. She looked tired, more so than the last time she had seen her. She also looked beaten down, as if she had lost something that she could not get back. She wondered if it had anything to do with Quinn's accident or the girl in general.<p>

She kept shifting in her seat, as if she could not sit still, though, and it intrigued Santana. Rachel had always been a ball of nervous energy but this was something new that she could not quite explain, something that she desperately wanted to figure out at the moment just so she would not have to think about anything else.

"Rachel, what –"

"Rachel, what are you doing here with Santana?" Finn's voice cut her off, causing her to look up in surprise. How had she not seen him? "You said you were busy with your mom."

"I…was," the other girl answered, not looking at Finn. "I wasn't lying about that."

"So why are you here with _her _now? I thought you said you would be busy the rest of the day too?"

Rachel started to shred the napkin she had picked up from the table while Finn spoke, not daring to tear her eyes away as the pieces fell from her fingers. Santana could feel the irritation leaking off of her in waves and was that a little bit of fear? She did not know why but it gave her an uneasy feeling that she could not get rid of.

When she still did not answer, Finn decided to pull up a chair and join them. She watched as Rachel grew more uncomfortable with the move but she was rooted to the spot for some reason, waiting for her reaction.

"Where's the waiter?"

"Finn," Rachel said quietly, shaking, "you're interrupting a private conversation between myself and Santana. Don't you think you're being a bit rude to us?"

"C'mon Rach. It can't be that important. I mean, you and Santana don't really have that much to do lately since you're always away from school and if it is you can always talk some other time, right? I mean, we're important too."

"No," she said, her eyes rising to Santana's, "we're not. Santana, however, needs me and I would be remiss if I didn't fulfil my duty as her friend. Now, can you please leave?"

"Why? Why do I have to leave and she gets to stay? You've been avoiding me for days, Rach and all I wanna do is talk. Why can't we start over and be together again? Why won't you talk to me when clearly you've been talking to Santana who's been nothing but a bitch to you through high school?"

It was only at this that Rachel looked at him and Santana could tell that Finn was being faced with something scary, something that no one had ever seen on Rachel before. When she spoke it was in her voice too.

Rage. It was pure rage.

"Together? You want us to be together again? Why would I want to be with you, Finn, when all we've ever done is bring out the worst in each other? I walked out on the best thing to ever happen to me because of you and the idea of normalcy that you represented and you know what? It killed me inside and it nearly killed Quinn.

"The only time I feel like I might be coming back to myself is when I'm hanging out with Santana or even Noah so forgive me if I want to monopolise that feeling. Sure, it doesn't happen all the time but at least they allow me to _feel_ something without feeling bad about it."

She took a deep breath and stood, forcing Santana to stand up as well as they gathered their things.

"Fuck you Finn and don't you ever come near me again."


End file.
